Let Me Tell You A Little Something About Fire, or why I am never again giving fireworks to my Bonobos

Before I start the post proper, let me tell you a little bit about fire. Fire is one of the most awesome thing in the world, the only thing that would possibly be more awesome is bunnies armed with snipers and night-vision goggles riding Velociraptors with flamethrowers, or ninjas fighting pirates in space, but since neither of those things seem to currently be in existence right now fire is the most awesome. Fire, the rapid oxidation of a material in the chemical process of combustion (I did not steal that from wikipedia, don't go check) giving us light heat and a means to cook our food. Fire, without which we would not have marshmallows or fire-hydrants. Fire is Prometheus's great gift to mankind, a gift he paid for with his liver, every week or maybe it was every day, I'm not sure (I'm also not fact checking this [but you can right here]) anyway it was incredibly painful and gruesome and lasted for a long time until Hercules was allowed to save him, so you should be greatful for fire. Fire, it gives us dominance over animals, it is Mowgli's Red Flower that allows him to defeat the tiger dude, I forget his name but you could probably find out here, although you might not want to, wikipedia says that article has multiple issues, and I'm willing to bet that multiple personality disorder and OCD number high on the list. Fire is great, fire is awesome, fire is ridiculously cool, just look at this picture, 

How is that not the most awesome thing you have ever seen! Ok I think you get my point, let's move on now to the post proper.

THE POST PROPER

          I got back late on the fourth, so late that is was early morning on the fifth. Hmm. I got back early in the morning on the fifth of July. No, let's see, I got home around 3:47 am after a crazy fourth. I wanted nothing more than to brush my teeth and fall asleep on the couch if I couldn't make it to my bed. When I turned the corner I found the street to be full of people. "Wow" I thought, "Some people party harder than I do." Then I saw the fire trucks. "Aw man, some poor sucker must have burned his house down." I chuckled at the thought of some schmuck going "Hey check this out" and firing a roman candle right through his living room window. The chuckle stopped abruptly. Hey, what was that fire truck doing in front of my apartment building? Oh GOD, my apartment building! There wasn't much left. Ironically the iron fire escape tottered and crashed into the charred rubble as I pulled up. My stuff! All my stuff! My new TV! My Ikea sofa!(that was a limited edition!) My bed! The fridge! My bookcase! My movie collection! All those wierd things I picked up from second hand stores! (well Dan thought they were weird, "who would buy this?" he said about the porcelain statue of an Indian fighting Alien, "I would" I said, just tempting him to say anything more, he didn't and I bought it and we went home and watched a movie, anyway it doesn't matter now because they are all gone) all gone! ALL GONE!! No, no, no no no no NOOO! This can't have happened. How could this have happened? As I opened the door and got out three, I repeat, three terrified bonobos ran up to my car, chattering unstoppably (is that a word? Unstoppably? Either way there is no other way to describe how they  were chattering) Singed fur, wild eyes, terrified chattering, these monkeys had seen some shit. As I walked up to the remains of my apartment, in a somewhat dazed state, a fireman came up to me "Do you live here?" 

"yeah" I said.

"well, I'm sorry." 

"yeah"

"do you have somewhere else to stay?"

"yeah" wait, what? no I don't have anywhere else to stay!

" Uhhh." I said, "what happened"

Long (ish) story short the bonobos had found the fireworks I had stashed in the closet and forgotten about, and, the curious little buggers had also found a lighter. Now you know how smart monkeys are, smart enough to find a fuse and work a lighter. Next thing you know, yep, KABOOM  my apartment becomes one huge fireworks show and burns down the entire building. Some how three, THREE, bonobos managed to get out, (I have no idea how) and fortunately no one was hurt too bad, most people were out shooting off fireworks or were inside drunk as all get out. Hey they probably had no idea what happened. So there I was. Homeless. Without my stuff. With three bonobos to take care of. I hope your Fourth was better than mine.