Science Made Fun

Episode 2 of the highly rated, hit tv series, science made fun! Months in the works, it is now made available to any who wishes to see it, exclusively from Spastic Ramblings:

Ever Wonder?

Ever wonder how the three crazy guys are in person? Here is an answer.

This here is a truly spastic rambling caught on tape of myself..... rambling.... spasticly....

Fenwick Part Five

In previous installments (Parts One, Two, Three and Four, they are awesome you really should read them before you read this) of Fenwick an Ordinary Guy in Extraordinary Circumstances, Fenwick, the titular character, awoke in a strange place without pants. He explored said strange place and met a strange man, and found a strange bottle, and was confused.


Fins leaned closer, “Between you and me, I think they’re skimmin’ of the top, exploiting the workers if you know what I mean. They say they take a share of your inspiration or summin’ like that every month savin it for your retirement or something. I've seen my pension statement though and I know I've been more creative than that” 
Fins slurped his coffee angrily. Fenwick looked at the bottle he had taken.

“Say, um, you don't happen to know where this comes from do you?”

“What that?!”

“Um, yes”

“Where'd you get that?”

“uh, I found it?” Fenwick said, asking permission.

“Did you now.”

“Yes?” Fenwick replied, getting a little uncomfortable now. “Look all I want are my pants, you understand?”

“Oh completely, you'd better give me that bottle.” 

“Uh, ok here” he said, slowly handing it over.

“Thanks man” said Fin as he poured out the entire thing into his cofffee cup.

“Ah," he sighed, taking a gulp "That hits the spot.  Now as I was saying, their exploiting the workers, skimmin' off the top y'know. Takin it fer themselves. Yeah, but me an' some other guys have caught on, y'hear? We've got, like, a little plan right?”

“ Uh sure” Fenwick had no intention of getting caught up in a socialist uprising against the man,

“Hey listen, man, thanks for uh helping and stuff, I think I can find my way around now.”

“Hey wait,” said Fin as Fenwick tried to surreptitiously slip out the door 
“Let me tell you our plan!”

“I've really gotta go now” Fenwick said, and hurried off down the corridor. He walked like a very worried man who had no idea where he was going, because he was, and he didn't. No matter, he walked very fast for a very long time until he ran out of breath. Then he lay gasping on the floor for a while. When he could breathe again he got up and found himself facing a door. A very strange and peculiar door. It went all the way to the ceiling and was bright red. Around the edges it was filigreed with gold wire, intricate, delicate work. At intervals of two inches there were indentations, little divots in the wood, each colored a different radioactive neon color. The door handle was equally bizarre: it was a wolfs snarling head wrought out of iron, but it was upside down. On the door was a sign "Please, enter. You are not welcome." Fenwick was going to walk away, just as quickly as he walked here, but the door suddenly burst open. The most raucous sounds and most incessant noises Fenwick had ever heard issued from the open door. What on earth is going on in their? he thought. He soon found out. A rhinoceros dressed in the finest dinner jacket came hurtling out of the room. In the process of this tremendous exit Fenwick was knocked to the floor. From his low vantage point he could see into the room. My God! he thought.

A Little Thought Experiment

Imagine this:

Wearing this:

charging at you from an open door, the most peculiar door you have seen. That is just an approximation of what Fenwick experienced.

Did You Know?

Please note: Humans and Dinosaurs never coexisted, this is the best image I could find.
 Apparently no one has imagined T-rex lumberjacks before

Please note: even though this image shows man and dinosaurs
living together this never actually happened, this image is only
meant to give you an idea, an inkling of how mighty, how
impressive and how awesome the dinosaur log structures were

Please note: Native Americans and Cowboys did not exist at
the time of the dinosaurs, this image is meant to provide an
example of how awesome dinosaur dwellings were. Just imagine
the Indians and Cowboys are Dinosaurs

Many people believe that dinosaurs were just large lizards (or birds or reptiles or whatever, we are NOT having this discussion here). In actuality dinosaurs are (I meant to type "were" my bad [I'm pretending to write on a typewriter, so I can't delete anything {no backspace on a typewriter :)} (LIES ALL LIES I'M ON A LAPTOP THERE is A BACKSPACE) wow that got off topic fast)]) were much more advanced than we give them credit for. Many dinosaurs, including the king of the lizards the mighty tyranosaurus Rex (I'm going to pretend this is the actual scientific classification for T-rex) were lumberjacks. That's right, you read that right, I said "lumberjacks" like in the Monty Python sketch*. The fact that some dinosaur lumberjacks were transvestites only goes to show how advanced they really were. Yes that is right, many dinosaur lumberjacks

were transvestites, especially the T-rex (or should I say T-regina [that's "queen" in Latin, for all you uneducated neanderthals {and "rex" is king in Latin, therefore Tyrannosaurus Rex is the King of the Dinosaurs and Tyrannosaurus-regina is the Queen of the dinosaurs}]).  These lumberjack dinosaurs felled the mighty trees of the mesozoic, the mighty  Redwood, the not-so-mighty pine, and the majestic monkey tree (it existed, trust me) They felled these trees and built with them impressive log structures. Mighty lodges, and kingly castles. Unfortunately, about 65 million years ago aliens got wind of what was happening and, deciding the lumberjack T-rex/reginas (and all the other dinosaur lumberjacks, I'm just mentioning the T-rex lumberjacks because they are a prime example of dinosaur lumberjacks) were going to eventually ruin the earth, the earth which was their beautiful jewel, their wonderful garden among the stars. So they sent an asteroid that demolished the dinosaurs, both the regular dinosaurs and the lumberjacks. Alas the asteroid caused worldwide fires which burned down all evidence of the impressive structures the dinosaurs had built.

                                          *  

 

Appy polly ogies

Sorry for any confusion, ie repeated posts, I am testing certain blogger apps on my phone. Hopefully the confusion will be dealt with soon and you'll never know it existed in the first place.
Also, we cry pardon for not posting regular updates, what with trying to do other things this poor blog is sometimes forgot.

I decided a little bit ago, because the day was almost over (and who wants to waste a whole day doing nothing?) to do something at least semi productive. So I prepared to start my laundry. Just as I was getting up from my bed, where I had spent the entire day, well almost (I got up for lunch), staring at my laptop screen an irresistible urge came over me. I sometimes get the irresistible urge to drink chocolate milk, and this was one of those times. In the past I have resisted the urge, held out until it passed, but this time there was no stopping it. There is no rhyme or reason as to the time at which the irresistible urge occurs, it is mostly random. Perhaps, and I'm not denying it, it has something to do with doing nothing all day; perhaps not. So I got up and skipped the laundry and went straight to the store to buy chocolate milk. Once at the store I spent some time looking around, to see if I wanted anything else. After looking at each item at least twice I decided I didn't. Chocolate milk and nothing else. As soon as I got out of the store I twisted off the cap, pulled off the foil seal, and drank at least a quarter of the bottle before I could stop myself. I didn't drink any more the whole walk home. Once home I saw the four pound container of redvines on my dresser. I remembered thinking the last time I had chocolate milk, how cool it would be to drink it through a redvine, you know, where you bite off both ends of the licorice to make a redvine straw. Unfortunately that was after I had drunk the last of the chocolate milk. This time I still had  three quarters of a bottle! So I did, drink the chocolate milk with a redvine. In fact I am drinking it right now as I write this very post, how cool is that? (pretty dang cool if you ask me) I thought about how lucky I was to be able to do this, both drink my chocolate milk with a redvine straw and just go out and buy chocolate milk whenever the irresistible urge to drink it came over me. Imagine being a farmer in Senegal, if you can: poor, in poverty, barely making enough food to feed your family. When suddenly you get the irresistible urge to drink chocolate milk (I am sure this happens to everyone, at least once in their lives). What on earth are you to do? The nearest store with chocolate milk, indeed the nearest town, is 200 miles away, and walking is the only way you could get there, unless you wanted to try and ride your goat (although, I assume, that would be very difficult), is to walk. And that would take some time. By the time you do get to the store, the irresistible urge to drink chocolate milk would have passed. And that would be a pity. I am sure other people have irresistible urges from time to time, and the urge to drink chocolate milk is not that bad, at least compared to the irresistible urge to repeatedly stab a sharp knife into someones stomach, or the irresistible urge to steal every single orange in the store. All that to say I guess I have it pretty good. My irresistible urge is both easily achievable and legal.

I found this while rummaging through old papers looking for inspiration. It's an old poem I wrote while I was distracted during a class. I think, if my memory serves me well, it's based off a dream I had the night before. But I think the poem is suppose and is best read while laying down and speaking with your therapist. The poem has no title so i will give it one on the spot. enjoy.

MONDAY MORNINGS
All right fine
I'm naked
I woke up in bed at sunrise
My chest lay open
My rib cage open
To lay my organs bare
My heart
Numb to the touch
I'm cold
So I hang clothes from my shoulders
The clothes are even colder
My heart visibly beating at the fabric through my chest
I go outside and back inside an office building
There are people and my heart makes a break for it
Fluttering away and bursting through my button up shirt
It's escape is halted by the main arteries still unwillingly clinging to my body
A colleague walks by with coffee
I know because I am breathing in the aroma
But only through my exposed naked lungs
My heart is inexplicably in his coffee
Startled
The mug drops and shatters
My heart thumps like a fish
Gasping on the coffee soaked floor
The mug repairs its self and flies back to his hand
He asks
"why aren't you wearing your pants?"
"couldn't find them"
"they're in your hands"

Maximillian's Numerous Questions

Maximillian stared at the ceiling. God, he thought, what am I doing? He had no idea, so he kept staring at the ceiling. God didn't know what Max, which is what Maximillian let some people call him (obviously God is one of those people, although Maximillian isn't particularly religious), was doing, but he was curious, so he watched Max stare at the ceiling, and thought what is he doing? Max lay there for a while more, thinking the whole time. Because God did not answer him, not that he was expecting Him to, Maximillian decided that he would decide for himself what he was doing. I am getting out of bed. And, wonders of wonders, he was. Without any input from God, without divine intervention or miraculous happenings Maximillian got out of bed. Because God did not answer him Maximillians next thought was Jesus, what am I doing? Well Jesus was in the same camp as God, confused, amused and befuddled about what Max was going to do (Jesus is also one of those people whom Maximillian allows the nickname Max to be used in reference to him, him Maximillian, not him Jesus or him God, in both of those situations the proper pronoun is Him instead of him). And so Jesus, next to God, watched Maximillian. With no heavenly guidance Maximillian decided he was on his own, and got dressed without instructions from anyone. Having gotten himself thus far on his own Maximillian was now himself a little confused about what he was doing. So yet again he turned to religion. Oh prophet Muhammad, what am I doing? Prophet Muhammad heard him but had no idea what Max was doing ( You guessed it, Muhammad is also one of those people) so he watched, just as curiously as God and Jesus.

So the day went: Maximillian continually unsure of his direction and at a loss with whatever everyday action he was about to perform. whatever God, or deity he asked equally unsure but curious as to what he would do. Maximillian questioned the great gods and goddesses of Ancient Greece and Rome on his next actions, all were silent, but intrigued. The pagan gods, and goddesses and minor deities, were equally silent and perhaps even more intrigued than the Divine Beings of Greece and Rome. Maximillian questioned the Gods and Goddesses of the Maya, the Inca and the Aztecs, the plethora of Holy Spirits of the Native Americans, from Tawa the sun spirit of the Hopi, to Nanook, the Inuit master of polar bears, to Hahgwehdiyu the Iroquois creator God. Maximillian implored Buddha and Krishna, asked Confucius and Lau-Tze for instruction. No one answered but all were interested in what this curious man would do next. I would go on listing gods and goddesses and deities and such but I think you get the point (sorry Africa, you get left out once again). By bed-time Maximillian had run out of Supreme Beings, venerated humans and all manners of spirits and demons. Exhausted from his long day of questioning and menial, obvious, commonplace, tasks, Maximillian collapsed into bed, without ever having to ask anyone. 

The Strange Adventures of Mr. Fiske

That's Mr. Fiske in the middle, with the sunglasses.

Mr Fiske was a busy guy. He had a busy life. He had important places to go, and important things to do. He was always rushing back and forth, hurrying through everything. On day he was quickly walking down the sidewalk. Suddenly he found himself not in the hustle and bustle of the city, but in a quiet woodland clearing.

Mr. Fiske found himself to suddenly be in a forest very much like this one.

His first thought was "SHIT! I have so much to do, how am I going to do anything here." his second thought was "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? AND HOW DID IT HAPPEN?!?" He looked around, tree, tree, tree, berry bush, tree, tree, evergreen tree, path, tree, tree, evergre- wait, was that  path? He looked back, evergreen, tree, tree, path. Path. Yes it was a path. He quickly walked towards the path. He immediately tripped on a tree root and fell flat on his face. He lay there for a while. He groaned. He slowly got back up. This time he walked towards the path. Not quickly, but then again not particularly slowly either. As he walked he realized he had no idea where he was or where he was going. He decided to keep going anyway. Eventually he made it to a clearing. He looked around, tree, tree, tree, berry bush, tree, tree, evergreen tree, path, tree, PATH. He took the path, again, not quickly and not slowly, but at a good walking-through-the-woods pace. He started thinking about what he was going to tell people when he got back from where-ever-this-is to his real life. He found himself in a clearing. Looking around he noticed many of the same things  tree, tree, tree, berry bush, tree, tree, evergreen tree, path, tree. Again he took the path. A little worried he began to speed up a little. Not a lot, but he was no longer not going particularly slow. Again he found himself in a clearing. Not looking around he kept going down the path. Faster, faster, he was jogging, trotting, running, sprinting, going all out, when SPLAT! He tripped on a root and landed flat on his face. His first though was "ouch" his second thought was "ouch, shit that really hurt" his third thought was "what the hell?" his fourth thought was "why am I cold?" He slowly got up and immediately closed his eyes. It was so bright he couldn't see. He opened his eyes a little. Squinting, all he could see was white.

This is what Mr. Fiske saw when he opened his eyes.

 After a little while he began to make out trees, some kind of tall slender trees...what were they called? Birch. He saw birch trees, covered in snow. That was why he was cold, he had landed in snow. "Baaaah" he screamed, very loudly. Some birds flew up from the trees. "Curse you birds!" he had no idea what was going on.

Gorden the Woolly Mammoth

Gorden the Woolly Mammoth (just look at all his woolly!)

It was another cold snowy day, Gorden the mammoth was beginning to think these would be the norm during the ice age. As it turned out he was right. Gorden was hungry, being this big and walking around in the snow was hungry work. He looked around. No poodles to eat. Damn. He walked some more. A little while later he heard loud yipping sounds. Looking down he saw he had just run into the middle of a poodle pack. If Gorden was one hundred times smaller he would be in a very  dangerous situation. But seeing as he was about ten thousand times the size of even the biggest poodle, he was not worried. Instead he was very happy. YAY! He thought, I will not be hungry for a long time! As gently as he could he lifted up three poodles in his woolly trunck and shoved them messily into his mouth. The frantic yips died away as he crushed their wet poodly bodies. He smiled and dribbles of poodle blood streamed from his mouth. He ate the rest of the diminishing poodle pack in quiet contentment.

One of the Dangerous Poodles

Later that snowy cold ice age day Gorden felt something crunch under his feet. What's this? He thought, more poodles? No. This time Gorden had stepped on a fence. A fence made very carefully by the ice age bunnies to protect their snow cabbage. Fortunately for Gorden, the notoriously fierce ice age bunnies were all out on one of their famous arctic bunny-hops, so Gorden was safe for now. Unfortunately for the bunnies they had been gone on their bunny hop so long that all their snow cabbage had rotted. Gorden didn't mind. In fact Gorden loved rotten snow cabbage so much he ate it all up without second thoughts. He walked away as quickly as he could without attracting any unwanted attention, after all he had just eaten all of the ice age bunnies snow cabbage and they would not be happy when they got back.

The Notoriously Vicious Ice-Age Bunny

All in all, it was a good day for Gorden the woolly mammoth, he had eaten well, and not been caught by the vicious ice age bunnies. As Gorden went to sleep he thought of his wonderful day and all the delicious things he had eaten.

Fenwick 4

Episode IV: A New Hope*

Previously on Fenwick the Ordinary Guy in Very Strange Circumstances, (Parts One, Two, and Three, they are awesome you really should read them before you read this) Fenwick was not told much of anything, apparently all the useful stuff was confidential, and found himself in a very strange room with a very strange guy. He was so confused and disturbed he ran screaming from the room (well not quite, he actually left fairly normally, he tried to leave discreetly but he didn't think it quite worked) Will Fenwick finally be told anything? Will he know what the hell is going on? and will he be offered a hot drink? Find out in this weeks episode of FENWICK, the ordinary guy in very strange circumstances!!
(

With the urgent and horrified calls of the crazy in the bedoping room in his ears, following him down the hallway, Fenwick decided to do some exploring on his own. His main goal in this was to find an exit from this crazy maze of hallways and corridors.

He saw a door marked creative repository #76. He opened the door and went in and went inside. Inside he found rows upon rows of neatly kept bottles. He looked closer and saw that all of these bottles had names on them.

“ John Reed, Betty Reders, Marcus Holloway………”

Fenwick wondered why the names were on there he opened a bottle and:

A thousand fireworks filled with crunchy nougat centers exploded while effervescing bagpipes waxed eloquent about the perceived rapturous joy of a fiber filled breakfast. Street shops sold promises without a guarantee leaving the leprechauns short on gold. newspaper boys screamed the morning news including but not limited to the migration of crystal butterflies made from the shards of the sweet smelling candy cane trees being the reason that the clouds of smoke rise filling the air with the not so unforgettable visions of waltzing gnomes, moistened and ground to a fine paste for a dragons morning breakfast and….Fenwick shut the bottle.

“Hmm, that’s weird” he said.                                                                                                                   

Fenwick took the bottle and left the room, bottle in hand. Not knowing where to go, he wandered back to the bedoping room, losing his way a total of seven times. He braced himself as he opened the door anticipating, but not looking forward to, the confused feeling that he had experienced before. When he opened the door the feeling did not come however. The bedoping machine was silent and fins was having a cup of what Fenwick thought was coffee. Yes, he could smell it now. It was coffee.

“Sit down lad, have a cup.”
Fins held out a cup to him and he took it.
“Well what’s your story lad”
“I can’t find my pants”

"I see” Fins said looking as if he genuinely understood what the hell Fenwick meant by this. In fact, he seemed almost normal now.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking but what does the bedoping machine actually do?” Fenwick said.

Fins shrugged “Not really sure about that myself. I do know that It was invented by accident, sort of like the slinky or silly putty or summin’ like that. The problem is that as soon as it is turned on it becomes impossible to know what it is doing or if it is doing anything for that matter. All I know about the machine is how to turn it on and off and that pushing buttons gets results.”

“What results?” Fenwick said, knowing already what the answer would be.  

"Well, y'nkow, I really would like to tell you but I'm 'fraid I can't do that, not authorized y'now."

“I knew it. Hmph. So what am I supposed to do?” said Fenwick, feeling a little cheated. It seemed when you didn't know something you said you weren't authorized to say anything about it.
“Well I heard they’re bringing in another machine, maybe the man will have you work it. I hear it’s a new model. You’re lucky you know, most people start off on the assembler. Terrible hours. Sixty three hour days, no joke. They have to stretch time so there’s enough of it. Time is money, you know.”
Fenwick found this odd but by this time he was used to it. Fins went on.
“The problem with stretching time is that it can get too thin and watered down. If you ask me the man started cutting corners as soon as he decided to stretch time. Ain’t natural”
“Wait, the man?”
“ Yeah, the guy with the clipboard. Man, time deficiency is a bitch. The coffee helps though”
Fenwick barely heard this last comment though he was thinking about he was thinking about the man. How he was the only one who seemed to know anything. And how he wouldn't tell Fenwick anything.

Finished and don't know what to do? Read part Five!! The adventure continues....

*Please note, Fenwick, Fenwick the Ordinary Guy in Very Strange Circumstances, FENWICK, the ordinary guy in very strange circumstances, bedopler, bedopling, bedoping, Fireworks with crunchy nougat centers, and coffee, are not endorsed, affiliated, or encouraged by LUCAS FILMS, George Lucas, or Star Wars in any way. In fact it has absolutely nothing to do with epic space battles and evil emperors the only similarity is the fact that it as well as this is a series and this and that both have a number four.

Scotland on the road

I’ve been to some interesting places while I’ve been in Scotland, hiked around Arthur’s seat, been to the national museum, visited the camera obscura, and just a couple hours ago I was at a wiz kalihfa concert. Today I was at St. Giles Cathedral. Though of coarse not the most beautiful church in the entire WORLD it was a beautiful building all the same with just the right ratio of ominous caverness vastness to miniscule minuet inlaid detail to give you that awe inspiring feeling. Funny enough being in that church made me start thinking about death, specifically, people’s attitude towards death. Off the main hall of the church are several little chapels, some were for war memorials, some for councils, and two directly across the hall from each other were two tombs of, and forgive my irreverence, of two guys. One had been executed by the king and the other probably was too but the point being that on each tomb lay their white marble doppelgangers. And standing over one looking down on his pale face it felt as if he was just sleeping. It struck me as funny that so many believe in an immortal soul but we find it comforting to preserve the image of their body as it was when they were alive. Underneath that stone portrait is probably nothing left but a skull. A friend and I were talking about how people freeze themselves and why you would do that. On one hand there is the why not reasoning behind it that since you will already be dead it doesn’t matter that its expensive and perhaps that chance that you may live again is worth it even if you may wake up in a time you don’t belong in or are unwanted. But examining the tombs made me think that the stone carvings were not that different from people freezing themselves. I think the thought of our bodies molding and withering and mildewing and all that other gross stuff it does after we die disturbs us. Now we all aren’t going to freeze ourselves heck some of us might cremate our selves but im sure it’s a concern we all share. And why not be scared of loosing that? We are a very sensual beings where we live through our bodies senses and we benefit from preserving them. In history mummies and monuments have served the same purpose.

Now it is the next day as I head out from Edinburgh to back pack across Scotland. I am right now on the bus for a five hour drive to fort William (a town named after a fort that no longer stands) and at this very moment I am looking out my window on a lake we are passing surrounded by huge majestic hills stirring the low swirling clouds with their  peaks everything is covered in vast fields of grasses and moss and heather and all sorts of grass like plants creating a rich variety. And white and green stones are strewn across the landscape like a heard of moss covered sheep. and in the center of the lake is an island with an over grown ruin of some forgotten stone building that is a common sight here. and now there is a lone tree growing out of a bolder clutching to the stone with its roots. The country side in many ways is a lot like home (Oregon) but it feels, for lack of a less corny term, magical. The views range from charming to truly awesome and is as cool as the ancient architecture of the city of Edinburgh. Okay gotta go there’s a dragon abducting several senior passengers and cackling as he tosses them across the landscape. Later.

Sir Amberfroth out!

Scotland first impressions

 

I’d first like say that I’m in Edinburgh Scotland and that I’m sitting out a windowsill at night in the heart of the city writing this. How much more romantic does it get? I feel a new energy to write and to create and be creative. The taxis are all zooming along taking people to and from the clubs and other hotspots of Edinburgh’s nightlife. The city looks just like it was pulled right out of an illustrated book (that was drawn well) filled with gothic and baroque buildings and the streets are bloody cobblestone! I’ve really wanted to start up writing on a regular basis and though nothings come to me yet I could get truly inspired here I think. Just imagine… I feel like I’m living out of a book right now: a young, finished with school, goes out abroad and out on his own for the first time (if he was to be completely honest) and here I am where everything looks like a castle, a church, or a pub. I haven’t done much yet, went to the national museum of Scotland and walked around town a bit but I find the most amusing encounters I’ve had thus far is how everything (connected to the modern world) is the same as in the states but different and its fine to know what to expect like different outlets, a separate toilet from the bathroom, hanging the laundry out to dry (in a perpetually wet country?) slightly different wording for almost everything, and an on/off switch for EVERYTHING! But it’s nice to not be use to the normal for once. This truly is a ramble about what’s just up with me while I’m in Scotland but what the hey. I’ll continue to post updates when the muse strikes me.

McCalaster out!

Fenwick 3

(When last we left them our brave hero had recently found himself in a strange place without any pants. On attempting to figure out what the hell was going on he met an intellectual looking fellow who tried to explain bedopping to him. Our hero was thoroughly confused. What exactly is bedopping? and where the hell is our hero? Perhaps you will find out, in this weeks episode of Fenwick the Ordinary Guy, in Very Srange Circumstances)


Missed the last two? Not to worry, they are here: Part one  and here: Part two Our deepest apologies for the bizzare font and layout, we have no idea how that happened.

They arrived at the end of the hallway and the heavy iron door was swung open, booming shut behind them when they had passed. The room was large but very narrow and if you concentrated on anything for too long it slowly started to fade away, not in a visual way but it slowly left your consciousness and the moment that you looked back you realized that the thing was gone, making you wonder if the thing you thought was there actually was there. The only thing that was constant was the whirring of an engine, like a loud fan. The man noted Fenwick’s confusion and smiled.

“You get used to it” he said “beddoping takes a lot of concentration”

The man walked to the middle of the room, or what temporarily appeared to be the middle.
“Fins, over here!”
“Eh?”
“Turn the bedopler down, you’re scaring the new guy”
“It’s on low already”

“Turn it off then”

All of the sudden the room was a normal room again, and Fenwick could hear the chuga-chug- chug of the machine winding down. Fins had previously appeared to be standing in four different places at three indistinct moments in time that had elapsed all at once but soon coalesced into one place and time.
The man spoke intelligently,

“What you have just experienced is the result of the beddoping machine process and the dimensional desynchronicity that it radiates onto its surroundings. The physical effect of the machine last only until the machine is turned off and I assure you that aside from the rare case psychological breakdown it is completely harmless”
“What does it do?” said Fenwick
“I am afraid I can’t tell you”
“Don’t tell me, you’re not authorized or something”
“No, we don’t know exactly know what it does but we know that it gets results”
“What do you mean by results?”
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you”
“What, you don’t know what the results or something”
“No, It’s just that I’m not authorized”
“And you don’t know what the beddoping machine does?”
“No”

Fins came and joined the conversation. Fins was hard to describe. Maybe it was a result of
years of working with the bedopping machine. Now his long mustache drooped to his knees. It hadn’t been there a moment ago but then again maybe it had.

“Ach” Fins said as coherently as he could
“Been working overtime I see Mr. Fins”
“Mubwuglidr”
“Well, only two more days ‘till the weekend”
“Fuggbuhnuguht” said Fins failing at conversation even more successfully this time”
“well mr Fenwick is starting today I presume you can show him the ropes”

The man left the room.

“glg” said Fins.

“uh-huh” Fenwick replied, having no idea what Fins just said, 'I know what you mean.” He had no idea.

“glugal inchajim wederfud.”

“I see” said Fenwick, distractedly.

There was not much to do. So he did not do much. Fenwick stood there for a while, listening to the gibberish of a clearly confused and troubled man. After a while he said

“Excuse me, is there someone else to talk to.”

“Ub”

“Okay, I'll be right back” and he headed towards the door.

“SDOD!!” Mr. Fenwick said, with such distress and with such volume that Fenwick stopped.

“Yes? Is it okay if I leave, or is there something I need to do here?”

“Uhg, ye neeth ado shumrint.”

“Yeah, sure. Just let me get my hochriz shadda and umwaf ding.” He left.


The adventure continues in Part Four....

Grendel

Perhaps this blog doesn't have an incredibly huge following be we (the three crazy guys) are proud of our long legacy of writing nonsensical posts dating back to when we first started four months ago. But today I intend to break that tradition (tragically) for this post shall linger on the serious side.
I have just finished reading a book called Grendel, a book about the monster from the ancient poem
Beowulf  from the perspective of said monster. Grendel is rejected by everything he knows and essentially the world. So Grendel comes to the natural conclusion that nothing ever changes for the better and life is a series of random miserable events. Grendel obsessively watches the growing human civilization (the Danes) from afar. Grendel finally decides to embrace the monster that all who see him project on him and lays siege on there the Dane's lives. He kills them, he eats them, he destroys their creations but he does not finish them off rather drawing out the process. This is where Grendel proves himself a hypocrite. Grendel also believes that the world through which he perceives is the only world n other words he thinks the tree never fell. But then why does he spy on the human therefore bringing them into existence. and watching them brings him pain for he sees the humans advancing gaining peace and wealth and higher ideals. Then he goes down to them and tries to prove to them wrong by humiliating the hero, destroying the queen's beauty. If he truly believed nothing could change for the better he would not bother trying to keep humanity in the dark ages. In the End, though Grendel has done horrific things, I sympathize with him. For he only did what any of us would do through the only way he knew possible, he was preserving his view of reality. We carefully draw a web of ideas that support one another that hold reality together as we see it. We have to come to terms with the fact that in life we see most things as we wish they were and not as there are. These ideas make up what we are so its completely understandable that we  would wish to preserve them for its like trying to preserve yourself. The answers you've found are not necessarily wrong and to a certain extent its impossible not to bend reality with your mind because to open yourself that much to the universe would leave a giant gap for to not have some sort of explanation leaves the only other alternative... nothing. If you'd like I'd very much like to hear your opinions, just comment below.

Let Me Tell You A Little Something About Fire, or why I am never again giving fireworks to my Bonobos

Before I start the post proper, let me tell you a little bit about fire. Fire is one of the most awesome thing in the world, the only thing that would possibly be more awesome is bunnies armed with snipers and night-vision goggles riding Velociraptors with flamethrowers, or ninjas fighting pirates in space, but since neither of those things seem to currently be in existence right now fire is the most awesome. Fire, the rapid oxidation of a material in the chemical process of combustion (I did not steal that from wikipedia, don't go check) giving us light heat and a means to cook our food. Fire, without which we would not have marshmallows or fire-hydrants. Fire is Prometheus's great gift to mankind, a gift he paid for with his liver, every week or maybe it was every day, I'm not sure (I'm also not fact checking this [but you can right here]) anyway it was incredibly painful and gruesome and lasted for a long time until Hercules was allowed to save him, so you should be greatful for fire. Fire, it gives us dominance over animals, it is Mowgli's Red Flower that allows him to defeat the tiger dude, I forget his name but you could probably find out here, although you might not want to, wikipedia says that article has multiple issues, and I'm willing to bet that multiple personality disorder and OCD number high on the list. Fire is great, fire is awesome, fire is ridiculously cool, just look at this picture, 

How is that not the most awesome thing you have ever seen! Ok I think you get my point, let's move on now to the post proper.

THE POST PROPER

          I got back late on the fourth, so late that is was early morning on the fifth. Hmm. I got back early in the morning on the fifth of July. No, let's see, I got home around 3:47 am after a crazy fourth. I wanted nothing more than to brush my teeth and fall asleep on the couch if I couldn't make it to my bed. When I turned the corner I found the street to be full of people. "Wow" I thought, "Some people party harder than I do." Then I saw the fire trucks. "Aw man, some poor sucker must have burned his house down." I chuckled at the thought of some schmuck going "Hey check this out" and firing a roman candle right through his living room window. The chuckle stopped abruptly. Hey, what was that fire truck doing in front of my apartment building? Oh GOD, my apartment building! There wasn't much left. Ironically the iron fire escape tottered and crashed into the charred rubble as I pulled up. My stuff! All my stuff! My new TV! My Ikea sofa!(that was a limited edition!) My bed! The fridge! My bookcase! My movie collection! All those wierd things I picked up from second hand stores! (well Dan thought they were weird, "who would buy this?" he said about the porcelain statue of an Indian fighting Alien, "I would" I said, just tempting him to say anything more, he didn't and I bought it and we went home and watched a movie, anyway it doesn't matter now because they are all gone) all gone! ALL GONE!! No, no, no no no no NOOO! This can't have happened. How could this have happened? As I opened the door and got out three, I repeat, three terrified bonobos ran up to my car, chattering unstoppably (is that a word? Unstoppably? Either way there is no other way to describe how they  were chattering) Singed fur, wild eyes, terrified chattering, these monkeys had seen some shit. As I walked up to the remains of my apartment, in a somewhat dazed state, a fireman came up to me "Do you live here?" 

"yeah" I said.

"well, I'm sorry." 

"yeah"

"do you have somewhere else to stay?"

"yeah" wait, what? no I don't have anywhere else to stay!

" Uhhh." I said, "what happened"

Long (ish) story short the bonobos had found the fireworks I had stashed in the closet and forgotten about, and, the curious little buggers had also found a lighter. Now you know how smart monkeys are, smart enough to find a fuse and work a lighter. Next thing you know, yep, KABOOM  my apartment becomes one huge fireworks show and burns down the entire building. Some how three, THREE, bonobos managed to get out, (I have no idea how) and fortunately no one was hurt too bad, most people were out shooting off fireworks or were inside drunk as all get out. Hey they probably had no idea what happened. So there I was. Homeless. Without my stuff. With three bonobos to take care of. I hope your Fourth was better than mine.

pssss! Hey! its the same people behind wiki leaks and we have discovered that there's a lot of instability within the high class circle of the people behind spastic ramblings. The suspected terrorist group, three crazy guys have been discussing behind closed doors about their general lack of output and things are getting hot as you can see clearly in this confidential email written by whitman craig 6' 4", brown hair, brown eyes, Caucasian, male, goofy, illogical, jumping menace, who thinks he is the leader but the other two secretly hate his guts. 

It's OK! I'm taking control of the situation! we need to post stuff regularly! so here's the plan... we shall go back to a rotation for the rest of the summer! we will go in three day cycles where each of us will have three days to post something until it is passed off to the next person. If you fail to post something during your cycle its no bigy except you will BURN IN HELL! If you guys don't like this plan then let me know so i can YELL AT YOU FOR BEING SISSIES! come on guys! this is important! there's no pussyfoot'n it! After all this is a very influential blog! WE have three followers lets not let them down!

Alfred and Rupert walking continued

The hunters discussed for several minutes about cookies, furiously debating chocolate vs peanut butter, little knowing that two full grown bears were poised on either side of the road engaged in a furious poke war over facebook via their mobile devices. The cookie debate was finally resolved when it was decided that a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie would be the most bad ass cookie of them all. With that they scampered off gleefully twirling their rifles expertly resembling gym teachers that coach baton twirling after school on the side. It was a long time before Alfred and Rupert looked up from their poke war and realized the hunters had gone. They barreled out of the bushes in a lazy galumph, a dazed porcupine was stuck to the back of Rupert's left shoulder with minuscule legs sprung up into the air. The two bears shook off the leaves and the porcupine's eyes rolled around in their sockets like marbles. The bears went shoulder to shoulder (for that's the only way they would fit on the path) and continued texting with their giant lovable paws.
Alfred texted to Rupert: "Hunters bra! that's not... good"
Rupert replied in ta text: "No bra! It's Bad!"
Alfred: "That's what I said.... right?"
Rupert: "HEY BRA!"
Alfred: "WHAT?"
Rupert: "IDK"
Alfred: "We should follow them."
Rupert: "Good idea, I'll get us disguises at my moms house!"
Alfred: "BRA! you still live with your mom?"
Rupert: "Bra... you live with me at my moms"
Alfred: "Oh yeah."
The two hunters had stopped at the Woodland Burger Joint (which never carried burgers) and sat down to order across from two giants mounds of fur poring over two issues of last weeks paper. Alfred wore an old shabby blue fedora which he always said complimented his monocle greatly. Rupert wore a little pink scarf the size of a pocket hanker chief which his mother poorly knitted him when he was a cub. He also wore a green head band which he always said complimented his monocle far more than Alfred's hat ever did. The two bears, seeing as they were bussy holding the news papers, could not text each other and began to speaking the each other in rather noticeable growling undertones to each other.
As translated,
Alfred: "We should lure them out back and eat them!"
Rupert: "Bra that's an awesome plan!"
Alfred: "How do we lure them out back?"
Rupert: "Idk. I feel like baking...."
Alfred: "Stay focused bra!"
Rupert: "We could lure them with cookies!"
Alfred: "No that would never work."
Rupert: "Well why don't we just ask them to meet us out back?"
The waiter brought the two hunters a plate of lobsters. This drove the two bears beyond distraction as they began to salivate all over their newspapers. Then the lobsters leaped up and began to sing a beautiful four part harmony (with only three lobsters no less!) and swayed back and forth to the eerie melody in the moonlight.
All this time the growling behind the newspapers had drawn the enitre attention of the two hunters.
Stupid man 1: "Sir do you need a cough drop?"
Alfred, quite befuddled, put down his newspaper, scrunched up his shoulders and tried to hide behind his fedora as much as possible, cleared his throat, and asked in a very convincing posh British accent.
"Would you mind accompanying us out to the back of this institution?"
The hunters stared blankly at the two bears before them and without blinking...
"Alright!" they cried enthusiastically.
The bears were about the follow the two hunters when out back when, in a mad dash, they snatched up the lobsters, and bolted towards the door, to the great dismay of the lobsters. The porcupine on Rupert's shoulder starred apologetically to the waiter with one upturned eye as the two bears squeezed through the door and off into the night.

Stay Tuned

Stay tuned, production on a new episode of science made fun is on the way!

Science Made Fun

This is a little video we made for school, yeah that's about it, pretty crazy and ridiculous. Seeing as we finished at three in the morning I think we did a pretty good job.

The Problem With Aardvarks

     Well folks, sorry there has not been a post for a while, a written one I mean; the reason for this is that we had a bit of a problem with aardvarks. Now 

Aardvarks are damn annoying, just the other day I was talking to some one about aardvarks and we  found that we both had a problem with aardvarks. Its not so much the double a at the beginning of their name, but the fact that they are infesting our houses. Yes folks aardvarks have been found in as many as one in every four homes in urban areas. This is starting to be so much of a problem for people that they have come up with many possible techniques for getting rid of them. My friend tried keeping a sledge hammer at hand, but that just took too long, you know, so many aardvarks so little time. Then he tried pouring battery acid on the floor, but the bridges he made to get around were not as stable as he liked and,  as he said, "it's really hard on socks, not to mention the fumes. Also, if you have carpet this might not be the best idea." I suggested using tar, to stick those varmints to the floor where they stand, but I did have the same issue with the walkways. What really needs to be done, to make this pouring on the floor method feasable, is someone needs to design a contraption that would lift you out of the gunk on the floor, or out of you bed, chair, where ever you happen to be, and carry you around. I tried ropes from the ceiling, but that doesn't work out so well, and my friend uses ceiling fans too get around and that's worse. It is getting so bad at my house that I have been thinking about moving, maybe out of the city, the country some place, but then my friend told me that it is even worse out there.

"Aw shit man, what am I going to do!?"

"There's nothing we can do, by the weeks end we'll be up to our necks in aardvarks."

   

Image courtesy of  Tom Brown of Baltimore, from the Brown Mega Corporation (I didn't actually ask permission to use it, so please don't let him know, and visit his site if you want, it's pretty cool.) [edit: it has come to our attention that the blog previously found at the links in this foot note is no longer operational. YOU CAN NO LONGER VIEW WORK BY TOM BROWN. THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. The blog has been removed, not my fault, sorry]

School for Scandal

A little long but give it a chance.... it gets spastic eventually.... you might only get it if you are in our class.... we are reading the script of you class play.... with some changes

I have dreams frequently, they are very vivid and often to abstract to put into any coherent context. HOWEVER! while I was camping (I still am camping but I'm taking refuge for an hour at a Starbucks before roughing it again) while i was camping I had one of my coherent dreams and so it stuck with me and i thought i would share it. It was one of those running away dreams, where no matter how much you run and no matter where you hide they will find you. Call me crazy but these are my favorite kind of dreams, i find them incredibly stressful and immensely fun. i shall a sign all the characters names for in a dream of mine everyone just omnipotently knows each other. Naturally i shall embellish...

It was an underground operation. I had no gym membership, no bank account, no birthday, no name, no identity at all to speak of, in short (as they say in the movies) i didn't exist. I lived in a hospital (or was it a prison?) I worked there... as a guinea pig. Don't worry it wasn't that kind of dream, I was a humanoid, however they were injecting me, the men in white lab coats, with needles. First they would inject an orange liquid filled needle and then a green one. As they did this i struggled to remember how i got there. Then i fell back asleep into my hospital bed. I didn't have a dream within a dream, i woke what felt almost instantly but the men in the white lab coats were gone and the door was wide open. I walk out and some how wondered into the doctors office. There were charts in orange and green and from what i could decern from them i was being treated to be some super strength human. I went to confront the men in white coats and found them in the basement of the hospital that was like a dank medieval dungeon. they were discussing and conversing over an experiment of theirs.  The experiment were wolves, not normal wolves but creatures that were half man and half beast, and very very intelligent. What their purpose was i do not know but they weren't werewolves, there was no transforming during the full moon bit. The men in white coats told me to go back to bed for i had only the first treatment and there were many more to come and until i had all the treatments my superhuman strength would not be fully developed. I did as they said and went back to my room, but the wolves were plotting. In my dream all this happened in a moment and what happened next seem to go on forever. The wolves broke out of their prison and injected all of the orange and green needles into themselves. I realized what was happening and tried to leaves through the exiting doors, but they were locked. I tried the others. I walked faster and faster in earnest as i tried each exit and found them all locked. But i knew where to go. This had happened before. Don't ask me how i knew this i just did. last time they were stopped by shutting the power down. So i went into the electrician room that only employees were aloud to go in and started trying to unplug things. Some other guinea pig in the hospital had a similar idea as me and joined me in the room. During this i became sidetrack. i don't know what it was but I found the secret weapon and ever though i couldn't comprehend it, i knew it was important.  they only thing i knew about it was that it had something to do with cobwebs. Then me and the other guinea pig looked around and saw three janitors. They looked like normal janitors but we knew they were not human. We ran out the unlocked exit from the electrician room and across the mote outside that surrounded the hospital. We ran cross country through grassy fields with the janitors in hot pursuit. we ran a long time... the grass turned to desert and it felt like the janitors were gaining on us inch by inch. we then came to a ten foot fence in the middle of nowhere and climbed quickly over it and it hindered the janitors greatly but they were fast learners as my companion said and the next fence we came to was ripped right through by the janitors. But with the distance we had gained we had time to take refuge in a dark mansion with a tire swing and nothing but desert it every direction. There we found in the dark dark yet satiny inside a disco ship. In this dream world disco ships were normal things that were over begeweled and shaped like the base of an old lamp (or like a mushdroom) and they glided across the ground. We decided to put together a disco routine. The logic behind this was that, when the janitors would stop to watch us dance, in our marvelous costumes with lots of jewelry that it would inspired them to do the same and when the pursuit was picked up again they would forget about the jewelry and it would weigh them down. The logic sounded like to only option at the time. When the janitors burst into the mansion we put on a glamorous show. They did stop to watch us but the plan failed to inspire them to put on jewelry. We stopped for intermission and scuttled backstage where to our surprise, we ran into the queen of disco. Her disco ship was ten times bigger than ours and twice as glamorous (in a modest way) She asked what was going on and why we had summoned her with our dancing. we told her that we summoned her quite by accident and then described our plight. She told us to go and she would hold off the janitors while we escaped. We got into our crowded disco ship, in costume, and sped off. looking back we saw the battle was taking place in the dusty front yard. The disco queen's ship glided across the desert terrain like a starship battle cruiser firing its blaster cannons at will. Then i woke up.

Grouchy post

It has been a while since the guys at spastic ramblings have put out a post and thats because it's been my turn. Its been my turn for a while now but i either haven't had the time or the initiative. Well i certainly have the time and nothing better to do so here it goes. Let me tell you that do not feel like posting AT ALL. my head hurts, im completely uninspired, im writing this post on a computer older than me, and worst of all nothing still ryhmes with orange. I'm not even having a bad time in a good way! I'm not enraged with anger or totured by sorrow! I'm just bored with a headache! What could be worst than that? and thats exactly why im writing this post. What better reason is there to post than on the worst day you could ever possibly post? (Second reason, discovering a mythical beast; third, finding out i was related to jesus and inheriting his cosmic powers)
and so i close this post fondly with a qoute by a man/monster that i feel quite sympathetic towards right now...
SCRAM!

The Bonobos Get At My Computer

Authors note: Well, I had started a marvelous post about the most fascinating subject, but then I was called away by the seductive powers of my inner workings, specifically my bowels and bladder. When I returned, a while later, my stupendous post was gone. In its place was a jumble of randomly grouped letters. I yelled my frustration from the mountain top, I cursed the bonobos (for obviously it was they who had done this, there is no-one else in my little tiny apartment) with the most vile and repulsive curses I could think of. I burst into a fit of rage, smashing things, ripping papers, throwing things off my balcony, I might have killed some bonobos (I am not saying I did, I am saying that perhaps, in my impulsive outburst, I might have possibly killed some hypothetical bonobos). Eventually, although it must have been no less than a couple hours, the anger and frustration left me and I took a closer look at what they had written. Just so you know, bonobos are terrible spellers, I don't think they spelled a single thing right. So, obviously, I hit the spell-check button. What I got was certainly not the complete works of Shakespeare, the bonobos did not have that much time, but it was interesting, it had a sort of poetic flow to it, and perhaps can be considered a poem, of sorts. So I decided to post that instead. I have not added any punctuation except where the bonobos had put it, the capitals are also theirs, as are the paragraphs. Lastly, I'll have you know, all the words they used are real words, if you don't believe me look them up.


Steamfitter Metaphoric a gyrate jiggle Elephant arm leg a gym mass oilfield Bolshevik I salvager real curriculum The rump gravity attract slithery flagmen


Fie goalkeeper homological verb our misnamed bootleg martyrs allowing biometric malice melange inserts eschew formulaic fecund  divided gratification on salad lashed compartmentalization multinomial arsons A cornflake beheld headquarter audiology cinematographic doorkeeper electroshock pence holographic addles merchant changeability lovemaking icecap excavation hirsuteness an


codger Kevlar woe vulgarize walk Glasgow flatterer I hibiscus liquefy circumvent old dyslexic hornets overpopulous we


silk owl kickoff signifies kidney alike Yukon elk also a silverware overfed adult clericalism Velcro nag tuna an oaf hurt rare Bermuda gainful foists hubs gag hag badges gab infotainment nigh an engine; Novocaine kiln energizes ginkgo along


folksy joke vinyl say lands flask flagstaff astraddle knower kvetch walkover roe sphincter selectiveness Balkan ban debonair napkin and jackknife dockside nebula beggar monsieur go fib undergo aubergine a fleetingness hake Lovecraft malformed valve snowball proven more magnanimosity attractant indefatigableness lank doglegging toga fingernail onlooking ale a blockage cambric narc