I have dreams frequently, they are very vivid and often to abstract to put into any coherent context. HOWEVER! while I was camping (I still am camping but I'm taking refuge for an hour at a Starbucks before roughing it again) while i was camping I had one of my coherent dreams and so it stuck with me and i thought i would share it. It was one of those running away dreams, where no matter how much you run and no matter where you hide they will find you. Call me crazy but these are my favorite kind of dreams, i find them incredibly stressful and immensely fun. i shall a sign all the characters names for in a dream of mine everyone just omnipotently knows each other. Naturally i shall embellish...

It was an underground operation. I had no gym membership, no bank account, no birthday, no name, no identity at all to speak of, in short (as they say in the movies) i didn't exist. I lived in a hospital (or was it a prison?) I worked there... as a guinea pig. Don't worry it wasn't that kind of dream, I was a humanoid, however they were injecting me, the men in white lab coats, with needles. First they would inject an orange liquid filled needle and then a green one. As they did this i struggled to remember how i got there. Then i fell back asleep into my hospital bed. I didn't have a dream within a dream, i woke what felt almost instantly but the men in the white lab coats were gone and the door was wide open. I walk out and some how wondered into the doctors office. There were charts in orange and green and from what i could decern from them i was being treated to be some super strength human. I went to confront the men in white coats and found them in the basement of the hospital that was like a dank medieval dungeon. they were discussing and conversing over an experiment of theirs.  The experiment were wolves, not normal wolves but creatures that were half man and half beast, and very very intelligent. What their purpose was i do not know but they weren't werewolves, there was no transforming during the full moon bit. The men in white coats told me to go back to bed for i had only the first treatment and there were many more to come and until i had all the treatments my superhuman strength would not be fully developed. I did as they said and went back to my room, but the wolves were plotting. In my dream all this happened in a moment and what happened next seem to go on forever. The wolves broke out of their prison and injected all of the orange and green needles into themselves. I realized what was happening and tried to leaves through the exiting doors, but they were locked. I tried the others. I walked faster and faster in earnest as i tried each exit and found them all locked. But i knew where to go. This had happened before. Don't ask me how i knew this i just did. last time they were stopped by shutting the power down. So i went into the electrician room that only employees were aloud to go in and started trying to unplug things. Some other guinea pig in the hospital had a similar idea as me and joined me in the room. During this i became sidetrack. i don't know what it was but I found the secret weapon and ever though i couldn't comprehend it, i knew it was important.  they only thing i knew about it was that it had something to do with cobwebs. Then me and the other guinea pig looked around and saw three janitors. They looked like normal janitors but we knew they were not human. We ran out the unlocked exit from the electrician room and across the mote outside that surrounded the hospital. We ran cross country through grassy fields with the janitors in hot pursuit. we ran a long time... the grass turned to desert and it felt like the janitors were gaining on us inch by inch. we then came to a ten foot fence in the middle of nowhere and climbed quickly over it and it hindered the janitors greatly but they were fast learners as my companion said and the next fence we came to was ripped right through by the janitors. But with the distance we had gained we had time to take refuge in a dark mansion with a tire swing and nothing but desert it every direction. There we found in the dark dark yet satiny inside a disco ship. In this dream world disco ships were normal things that were over begeweled and shaped like the base of an old lamp (or like a mushdroom) and they glided across the ground. We decided to put together a disco routine. The logic behind this was that, when the janitors would stop to watch us dance, in our marvelous costumes with lots of jewelry that it would inspired them to do the same and when the pursuit was picked up again they would forget about the jewelry and it would weigh them down. The logic sounded like to only option at the time. When the janitors burst into the mansion we put on a glamorous show. They did stop to watch us but the plan failed to inspire them to put on jewelry. We stopped for intermission and scuttled backstage where to our surprise, we ran into the queen of disco. Her disco ship was ten times bigger than ours and twice as glamorous (in a modest way) She asked what was going on and why we had summoned her with our dancing. we told her that we summoned her quite by accident and then described our plight. She told us to go and she would hold off the janitors while we escaped. We got into our crowded disco ship, in costume, and sped off. looking back we saw the battle was taking place in the dusty front yard. The disco queen's ship glided across the desert terrain like a starship battle cruiser firing its blaster cannons at will. Then i woke up.

Grouchy post

It has been a while since the guys at spastic ramblings have put out a post and thats because it's been my turn. Its been my turn for a while now but i either haven't had the time or the initiative. Well i certainly have the time and nothing better to do so here it goes. Let me tell you that do not feel like posting AT ALL. my head hurts, im completely uninspired, im writing this post on a computer older than me, and worst of all nothing still ryhmes with orange. I'm not even having a bad time in a good way! I'm not enraged with anger or totured by sorrow! I'm just bored with a headache! What could be worst than that? and thats exactly why im writing this post. What better reason is there to post than on the worst day you could ever possibly post? (Second reason, discovering a mythical beast; third, finding out i was related to jesus and inheriting his cosmic powers)
and so i close this post fondly with a qoute by a man/monster that i feel quite sympathetic towards right now...
SCRAM!

The Bonobos Get At My Computer

Authors note: Well, I had started a marvelous post about the most fascinating subject, but then I was called away by the seductive powers of my inner workings, specifically my bowels and bladder. When I returned, a while later, my stupendous post was gone. In its place was a jumble of randomly grouped letters. I yelled my frustration from the mountain top, I cursed the bonobos (for obviously it was they who had done this, there is no-one else in my little tiny apartment) with the most vile and repulsive curses I could think of. I burst into a fit of rage, smashing things, ripping papers, throwing things off my balcony, I might have killed some bonobos (I am not saying I did, I am saying that perhaps, in my impulsive outburst, I might have possibly killed some hypothetical bonobos). Eventually, although it must have been no less than a couple hours, the anger and frustration left me and I took a closer look at what they had written. Just so you know, bonobos are terrible spellers, I don't think they spelled a single thing right. So, obviously, I hit the spell-check button. What I got was certainly not the complete works of Shakespeare, the bonobos did not have that much time, but it was interesting, it had a sort of poetic flow to it, and perhaps can be considered a poem, of sorts. So I decided to post that instead. I have not added any punctuation except where the bonobos had put it, the capitals are also theirs, as are the paragraphs. Lastly, I'll have you know, all the words they used are real words, if you don't believe me look them up.


Steamfitter Metaphoric a gyrate jiggle Elephant arm leg a gym mass oilfield Bolshevik I salvager real curriculum The rump gravity attract slithery flagmen


Fie goalkeeper homological verb our misnamed bootleg martyrs allowing biometric malice melange inserts eschew formulaic fecund  divided gratification on salad lashed compartmentalization multinomial arsons A cornflake beheld headquarter audiology cinematographic doorkeeper electroshock pence holographic addles merchant changeability lovemaking icecap excavation hirsuteness an


codger Kevlar woe vulgarize walk Glasgow flatterer I hibiscus liquefy circumvent old dyslexic hornets overpopulous we


silk owl kickoff signifies kidney alike Yukon elk also a silverware overfed adult clericalism Velcro nag tuna an oaf hurt rare Bermuda gainful foists hubs gag hag badges gab infotainment nigh an engine; Novocaine kiln energizes ginkgo along


folksy joke vinyl say lands flask flagstaff astraddle knower kvetch walkover roe sphincter selectiveness Balkan ban debonair napkin and jackknife dockside nebula beggar monsieur go fib undergo aubergine a fleetingness hake Lovecraft malformed valve snowball proven more magnanimosity attractant indefatigableness lank doglegging toga fingernail onlooking ale a blockage cambric narc

Podcast 1: or is it?

We the three crazy guys, have decided that is was time to create a podcast! Wrought from our delves of our ingenious minds, we created this podcast! call it..... improvising! oh and there's a guest speaker!!!!

Fenwick part 2

(In part one we are introduced to our protagonist and his struggle with pantslessness. He meets a suspicious character that he at first suspects of pant related kleptomania. The mysterious man with the clipboard guides our hero to the enlightening/befuddling realization that he himself may have been responsible for the absence of his pants. What new drama will transpire in the next chapter of this story?)

"So, now that we have put that little misunderstanding behind us, how are you feeling." Said the intelligent man with the clipboard.
"Uh, well, okay I guess, it's a little cold without pants though, are you sure they aren't here? "
"Yes I am sure"
"Well then, I think I have some at home, let me go get them"
"I am afraid I cannot let you do that"
"Why?"
"I am afraid I can not tell you that"
"What?!? Where the hell am I? Why the hell not!"
"Now now sir, I need you to calm down, I am sure we can figure this out."
"Calm down? Calm down! I'd like to see you calm if you just woke up in a strange place having no idea where you were WITH OUT PANTS" He screamed, not so persuasively this time.
The other just nodded, said he understood and wrote something else down, double underlined.
Fenwick took a look around.

    There was a bird cage with a large exotic looking stuffed bird in the corner, the walls were a plush purple and the candelabras that lit the room were made from what appeared to be antler horns. Four leaf clovers grew from the floor pushing up between the thick shag carpet. It was a truly weird place. Fenwick was occupied for a minute by the weirdness of the place before he figured out what was going on.

"oh!" he said knowingly "I remember"

He quickly tried to remember whatever it was while the man turned the page.

"I remember" he said stubbornly again.

"the thing…..I had a pen…..I signed something…..the contract, oh god, I had totally forgot about it.

    The contract was something he had indeed signed. It was absolutely entirely unforgivably stupid thing to forget about but Fenwick, being one of those people that routinely lost his pants this is really no surprise.

"Um, I don't mean to sound uh greedy or anything but I seem to remember the contract saying something about a large sum of money?"
"Yes, we will get to that soon. Now that you have remembered the contract the first thing I'm going to have you do is come with me."
"where are we going?"
"well now that you remember the contract I am obligated to answer your question. We are going to the bedopping room."
"the what"
"bedopping room"
"yeah I heard you the first time, I'm just a little confused as to what that is."
" oh ok"
"so what is it?"
"It's the room you will bedop in."
"Oh that clears it up I guess"
it did not clear it up. In fact it only brought more questions, but feeling a little foolish for asking such a silly question before, Fenwick bit his tongue and stayed quiet as the man of intelligent caliber gently guided him through the many hallways and doors towards the so called bedopping room.

    The man guided him down the hallway leading him more roughly by the hand now.

"now repeat after me" he said with great authority " I bedop, you bedop , he, she, it, beddops

"what?" Fenwick said

"pay attention, this is important"

Fenwick spaced out as the man continued.

"….they bedoppded, and they beddoping. Understand?"

"no"

"good"



The adventure continues in part three...